So lately, there's been alot of drama and nastiness in the lives of some of my friends. I'm not going to divulge anything here, that's their business. However, I have been helping alot of them out, and it's taking a toll. It's hard to always be there for people, when you have your own shit to deal with. Now, I am be no means saying it's a problem to help my friends, but alot of the time I feel bad talking about my own problems. I know what I'm dealing with doesn't seem that serious, and alot of it I can't even really explain, but things have been building up in my chest so much that it's causing my to feel physical pain sometimes.

Some of it is college stress, I just feel so unmotivated so much of the time, and it's hard to get my work done.

Some of it is people stress. I know the little barbs mean nothing, besides maybe affection, but I can't help it if they hurt sometimes, even though I know it would mean something worse if they weren't there. The friends that I've known long enough to really talk to about everything aren't around, and everyone else, well, I can't ask them to deal with my emotional issues. I don't want to push away my new friends. However, it's hard to justify the way I get flustered so easily with relatively simple things, without giving some explanation, and a window into my extremely fucked up brain.

I hate my mildly obsessive personality. I hate the way I over-analyze everything. I hate the way I feel when you're around, and the uncertainty that you bring to the table. I wish I knew what i wanted. I wish even more that I knew what you wanted. I wish the most that I didn't care at all about either.

I know this seems kind of mopey and whiney, but there's so much on my mind right now, I'm just all over the place. I couldn't even have normal phone conversations today. I dropped the ball on my audition for pep band because I choked. The weight in my chest hurts, and there's nothing I can do about it at all.