BLAHHHHH!

So, I'm almost at the end of my Freshman year of college, and I cannot believe it. It seems I only made the decision to come here yesterday, and I will be a sophomore in less than three weeks. It all goes so quickly. Already, I'm going to be moving off campus and starting to manage my life. It's a big step, but one I think I'm ready for.
Engineering is still hard, but I think I enjoy it. I wish I had more time for music and art though, i feel like I'm losing the creative part of my life. It's all math and science and intellectual nonsense all the time, I just wish I could go a few days without being smart.
I'm looking forward to my trip to Africa.
I guess that's really all of interest right now.
Oh! And I've sworn off dating for the rest of...a really long time. I just can't handle it right now, and I doubt it'll get easier. I think it'll be good for me to get a grasp on life without having to worry about someone else. The longer I do the single thing, the better it feels.
I'll write another one of these in a few months.

Per the usual, I am only updating this thing because the old one is no longer relevant. Major changes in my life since the last post:
1. I am living in a single two floors down from my old room in Rodney D. I find the situation much more favorable, and I've met some really cool people being down here.
2. I'm dating a pretty cool guy named Greg. Most of you know this. He's an English major, and is pretty good at keeping me grounded when engineering gets overwhelming.
3. I'm taking my first engineering class, and I actually understand the material, at least in theory. This was a surprise to me.
4. I'm living in an apartment on Main Street starting in June, and I think it will be fantastic.
I am a little more overwhelmed this semester, but I think it'll be okay. I just need to stay focused and on top of my work.

So lately, there's been alot of drama and nastiness in the lives of some of my friends. I'm not going to divulge anything here, that's their business. However, I have been helping alot of them out, and it's taking a toll. It's hard to always be there for people, when you have your own shit to deal with. Now, I am be no means saying it's a problem to help my friends, but alot of the time I feel bad talking about my own problems. I know what I'm dealing with doesn't seem that serious, and alot of it I can't even really explain, but things have been building up in my chest so much that it's causing my to feel physical pain sometimes.

Some of it is college stress, I just feel so unmotivated so much of the time, and it's hard to get my work done.

Some of it is people stress. I know the little barbs mean nothing, besides maybe affection, but I can't help it if they hurt sometimes, even though I know it would mean something worse if they weren't there. The friends that I've known long enough to really talk to about everything aren't around, and everyone else, well, I can't ask them to deal with my emotional issues. I don't want to push away my new friends. However, it's hard to justify the way I get flustered so easily with relatively simple things, without giving some explanation, and a window into my extremely fucked up brain.

I hate my mildly obsessive personality. I hate the way I over-analyze everything. I hate the way I feel when you're around, and the uncertainty that you bring to the table. I wish I knew what i wanted. I wish even more that I knew what you wanted. I wish the most that I didn't care at all about either.

I know this seems kind of mopey and whiney, but there's so much on my mind right now, I'm just all over the place. I couldn't even have normal phone conversations today. I dropped the ball on my audition for pep band because I choked. The weight in my chest hurts, and there's nothing I can do about it at all.

So, college.

It's been pretty awesome so far. I've been here over a month, and it very much feels like home. I have so many great friends (not to mention AWESOME roommates), and despite all the work that I'm currently putting off, things are generally going well. I feel so much more in my element here than I ever did in high school.

Marching band is probably a large part of the reason I'm enjoying things so much. I know I had it in high school too, but MHS band doesn't even compare to UDMB and Blue Thunder. The band folks were my first friends here in Delaware, and they are the best ones I've met. No matter how miserable things can get, like standing in the rain for three hours, I enjoy band and the people in it. It's great being in a place where drama extends about as far as someone drinking a bottle of water in front of you when you're really thirsty (this one goes out to you, Greg) and some of the most important things are remembering your helmet and sack of clues (which I seem to forget alot...). I guess what I'm really trying to say is band is something I think everyone should have, and it's made my life amazing, and it's only been a little over a month.

I've been kind of gliding through classes, and I think I need to really buckle down and focus in the information. I mean, it's largely stuff I've heard before, but I feel like I've been letting my work get away from me, because there haven't been any serious assessments. But I'm changing that. I need to get on top of things, and that's how it's gonna be.

I am pretty crazy about a boy (surprise!), but he will never know. I'm trying to play everything off as if I'm gayer than vampire Willow (don't be surprised if you don't get the reference, it's from Buffy the Vampire Slayer). I refuse to have drama now, no matter who I feel like jumping. The end. And if you're one of the three people that knows what I'm on about, DON'T. SAY. A. WORD. Or I will find you and kill you. Yes, YOU.

All in all, I'm thrilled to be here, I love UD, I love my friends, and I can't imagine being anywhere else.